nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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