nut hugger
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize