Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
