We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
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