If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i used baking grease as lip gloss
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
