In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
