Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize