I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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