Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
