Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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