What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize