:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
being pregnant is like rehab
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
