Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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