I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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