I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize