I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
