its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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