I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
