literally had 100 drinks last night.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
