dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
