I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize