Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
