My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
