She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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