He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize