Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Randomize
