My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
