If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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