Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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