y did u give ur computer a hand job?
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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