Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
