I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Oh god it's open bar.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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