Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
