Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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