eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
