i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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