My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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