youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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