Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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