I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
