You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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