when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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