have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
