Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
