I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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