for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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