highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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