I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
