You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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