May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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