my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my being single is dangerous.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
