White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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