Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
