i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
