i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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