masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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