Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
