So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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