tell your sister to shave her snatch
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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