Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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