remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
